Broken, but hopeful

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

I'm in the university lab right now just preparing for my phd progress presentation seminar scheduled next week. I have to be honest Ramadhan has been a little difficult for me this year. I'm in the last semester of my phd studies so work has been hectic plus lots of things are in my mind right now apart of the phd matters of course. My mind just isn't working like it suppose to. I kept thinking about other stuff and it is really affecting me. My sleep timing is horrible. Like today, I slept at around 1.30AM, woke up at 4.30AM to prepare sahoor/fajr and I just couldn't sleep after that until now. So I went directly to the lab. But I'm determined to not give up on myself just yet on this blessed month. 14 days may have already passed, but there's still time for me to turn my Ramadhan around, and I hope anyone else who's not been feeling/giving 100% to their Ramadhan, please don't give up too. As for me, I just need to focus my mind on the important things and just let go of certain things.

Anyways, these past few days have been extremely eye-opening for me because I have done some self-reflection about the good and the wrongs that I have done throughout my life. There are just some things that I really regret doing it and the fact that I just need to keep moving on with my life with the decisions that I already made in the past is just so hurting. Through these times, I just need someone for guidance and advice. Well, talking about this 'someone', I don’t actually have many friends, but I do have a very close friend that is like an older sister to me and that I know will be there for me through good and bad times. We fought hard, we love hard too. We fought for months last year and ended up not talking until I came back from Japan. But after that, we were just good like nothing happened. She knows I have problems without the need for me to say it. She knows I'm hurting even though I'm smiling. She will scold me if I made wrong decisions in my life but willing to give advice and provides ways to solve problems or heal from the pain of the decisions that I've made.

I have my own secrets, worries, struggles, and dark pasts that I'm not willing to open up to other people. And sometimes I hide certain parts of myself by masking it with humor, smiling, or by laughing a little too much because I was afraid that if I don't, then people will start to catch on and they will start to know my pain, ache, anxiety, and grief. Well, no one is 100% as who they seem to be. But, I also learned that those who truly love you for who you are, won't mind not even one bit. And it is the people who love us unconditionally, that will actually say, "It's okay, I got you." And most importantly, I also learned that Allah, the One who loves us the most, who loves us unconditionally, already knows what truly lies in our hearts. In fact, He is the One who will hold us on days when tears just can't stop flowing. He will be the One embracing us at times when we are just too tired to put an act when we just can't be bothered to show our strength. Allah is the only One who truly knows you 100% and that with Him, you no longer need to pretend.

The one that is broken, but hopeful. Afraid, but anticipating. And so in need of His Love.

Thank you for a good friend. Thank you for You.

Regards,
efs