Broken, but hopeful

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

I'm in the university lab right now just preparing for my phd progress presentation seminar scheduled next week. I have to be honest Ramadhan has been a little difficult for me this year. I'm in the last semester of my phd studies so work has been hectic plus lots of things are in my mind right now apart of the phd matters of course. My mind just isn't working like it suppose to. I kept thinking about other stuff and it is really affecting me. My sleep timing is horrible. Like today, I slept at around 1.30AM, woke up at 4.30AM to prepare sahoor/fajr and I just couldn't sleep after that until now. So I went directly to the lab. But I'm determined to not give up on myself just yet on this blessed month. 14 days may have already passed, but there's still time for me to turn my Ramadhan around, and I hope anyone else who's not been feeling/giving 100% to their Ramadhan, please don't give up too. As for me, I just need to focus my mind on the important things and just let go of certain things.

Anyways, these past few days have been extremely eye-opening for me because I have done some self-reflection about the good and the wrongs that I have done throughout my life. There are just some things that I really regret doing it and the fact that I just need to keep moving on with my life with the decisions that I already made in the past is just so hurting. Through these times, I just need someone for guidance and advice. Well, talking about this 'someone', I don’t actually have many friends, but I do have a very close friend that is like an older sister to me and that I know will be there for me through good and bad times. We fought hard, we love hard too. We fought for months last year and ended up not talking until I came back from Japan. But after that, we were just good like nothing happened. She knows I have problems without the need for me to say it. She knows I'm hurting even though I'm smiling. She will scold me if I made wrong decisions in my life but willing to give advice and provides ways to solve problems or heal from the pain of the decisions that I've made.

I have my own secrets, worries, struggles, and dark pasts that I'm not willing to open up to other people. And sometimes I hide certain parts of myself by masking it with humor, smiling, or by laughing a little too much because I was afraid that if I don't, then people will start to catch on and they will start to know my pain, ache, anxiety, and grief. Well, no one is 100% as who they seem to be. But, I also learned that those who truly love you for who you are, won't mind not even one bit. And it is the people who love us unconditionally, that will actually say, "It's okay, I got you." And most importantly, I also learned that Allah, the One who loves us the most, who loves us unconditionally, already knows what truly lies in our hearts. In fact, He is the One who will hold us on days when tears just can't stop flowing. He will be the One embracing us at times when we are just too tired to put an act when we just can't be bothered to show our strength. Allah is the only One who truly knows you 100% and that with Him, you no longer need to pretend.

The one that is broken, but hopeful. Afraid, but anticipating. And so in need of His Love.

Thank you for a good friend. Thank you for You.

Regards,
efs

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Little do you know by Alex & Sierra

Little do you know
How I’m breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I’m still haunted by the memory
Little do you know
I’m trying to pick myself from piece by piece
Little do you know
I need a little more time
Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back
For the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight
Little do you know
I need a little more time

I love you like you've never felt the pain
I promise you don’t have to be afraid
The love you see right here stays so lay your head on me
Little do you know
I know you’re hurt while I'm sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are solely drowning me
Little do you know
I’m trying to make it better piece by piece
Little do you know
I, I love you till the sun dies

Away, just wait
I love you like I've never felt the pain, just wait
I love you like I’ve never been afraid, just wait
Our love we see right here stays so lay your head on me

I love you like you've never felt the pain
I promise you don’t have to be afraid
The love you see right here stays so lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me
'Cause little do you know
I love you till the sun dies

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Ramadhan, a month of relection and forgiveness. A new start.

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

Today is the 12th day of Ramadhan in the year 2018. Today, I decided to be active again, here. I’ve done a lot of self reflection throughout this Ramadhan. Reflecting the bad and the good things that I’ve done. I’ve come to the realization that I’m no longer young. I’m no longer 23, I’m 30 now. The way I think is no longer the same as before. I’m much more matured in dealing with life as I have encountered various situations these past 7 years. 

I kept thinking what I’m going to do with my life. I know the purpose of life is not just about ourself, but also about how we manage the relationship between humans. I wanted myself to have an impact in others life. In a good way ofcourse. I hope the stories that I shared hear will help others in their life. To help people to get back up after a hurtful fall. To see life in a different perspective. In a positive way. And to be a better person. Because life is short and we need to cherish it.

Previously, the reason that I started this blog is because I know my dad will be reading it. And another person is my ex.  I’m not good in expressing myself. This is like a medium to share all my thoughts. But both of them were no longer in my life. My dad died, and my ex obviously an ‘ex’. I don’t think he would be reading this blog any longer. 

So the reason why I wanted to re-start this blog is no longer about the people that I love, but for myself instead. 

Regards,

Efs

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Heartbroken

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

Today I just wanted to share something about being heartbroken. Well, I’m sure everyone has experienced it before atleast once. Me, myself has experienced it multiple times. But today I just wanted to share that one time that I was really heartbroken. It was 7 years back. I’m sure not many people actually knows that I ‘pernah dirisik’ but the relationship just didn’t workout. I’m not here to tell you why exactly it didn’t workout. But I wanted to share with you guys how it actually impacted my life.

It is always my dream to be marrying someone that is religious and smart. I wanted someone that could actually guide me to ‘jannah’. Back then, I thought I have found one. Someone perfect. Religious and smart just like what i ever wanted. He also suggest me to join usrah to help improve myself.  But I was just not ready for it. Why? I will tell you about this in another post. He was my first real love. We lasted for 2 years. He makes me happy and has been there for me through the last year of my degree and masters degree, and also when my father died. Not just him, but his family too. They were all really nice people. Fast forward, things happened. Something that really broke my heart. I suffered alone as I was living away from home, from my family, and it was just 5 months after my father died. I returned the ‘risik’ ring back. Maybe the way I ended it was not proper enough. I didn’t met him and confronted him face to face. I’m sure the decision that I’ve make broke his heart too. I blame my immaturity at the age of 23 for the decision that I’ve made. Few years later, I told this story to a ‘sister’ very close to me. She said I was naive and immature to ended it just because of some small things. But I took it as fate and that ‘kami tak ada jodoh’. 

Back to the original story how it actually impacted my life. Because I was really heartbroken at that time, I told two things to myself. First, it is okay to not having someone that is religious enough to guide you, maybe Allah wanted you to guide others instead. Second, it is okay to not having someone that is smart and have a good job because money doesn’t always gives you happiness. But guys, be careful with your tongue because the things that you said may become a ‘dua’. Allah will always test you on the things that you scared of or think the most. 

Why i told this story now? It is because my heart is not at ease these couple few days. I kept thinking about it and dreaming about it. Something that I have been forgetting for years. I felt guilt. But then i realized that Ramadhan is a month of reflection. This is my life reflection and I wanted to make up to it. 

Salam Ramadhan everyone. May this Ramadhan be better than before. Ameen.

Regards,

Efs

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Nilai sebuah kemaafan

Memaafkan bukanlah mudah. Kita manusia fitrahnya sentiasa  berteman khilaf. Yang selalu kalah dengan ujian yang Allah beri. Kita ini manusia, yang selalu bersembunyi di balik dinding bernama mangsa. Kita ini manusia, yang tidak mahu memaafkan hanya beralasan ‘kita bukan nabi, kita manusia biasa’ .

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Kita sebenarnya lupa. Yang menggerakkan sesuatu itu adalah Allah. Hati manusia, seperti saya, seperti dia, seperti semua, dipegang oleh Allah. Tiada satu pun yang akan terjadi tanpa izin dariNya. Setiap sesuatu, telah dirancang Allah sebaiknya. Baik atau buruk hanyalah di mata kita, manusia yang terhijab dari segala kebaikan yang Allah telah aturkan.

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Tersiratnya, andai kita fikir kita dizalimi oleh manusia, lalu enggan pula memaafkannya, maka kitalah sebenarnya yang zalim kerana sedikit sebanyak, kita ini menuduh perancangan dan gerakan Allah itu zalim. Nauzubillahiminzalik. Astagfirullah.

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Sedangkan Allah, pemilik segala sesuatu di langit dan bumi, sedia mengampunkan dosa hatta setinggi gunung. Sedangkan Allah, di dalam al-Quran berkali kali menegaskan yang dia Maha Pengampun, lagi Maha Penyayang. Sedangkan Dia, yang mahu hambaNya memohon ampun walau berkali-kali melakukan dosa. Tapi kita, hanya hamba yang kerdil, satu antara jutaan butiran pasir manusia, seakan-akan mahu menumpang hakNya, dengan tidak bersedia memaafkan manusia kerdil lain. Siapa kita? Siapa?

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Benar, memaafkan memang tidak mudah. Memaafkan sedang hati masih berdarah kerana disakiti, memang sukar sekali. Ingatlah, jalan ke syurga itu tidak mudah. Mahu ke syurga itu perlu diselangi dengan jerih payah. Maka, perlu apa kita mengeluh kesah?

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Percayalah, bila mana memaafkan maka perlahan-lahan rasa itu pasti datang. Rasa tenang. Rasa damai. Rasa lapang. Bila mana tangan ditadah, lalu memaafkan setulus hati, dapat dirasa hati bersorak girang. Hati terasa bebas dari dendam dan amarah kerana kita tidak lagi menangisi sesuatu yang telah terjadi.

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#usrahsantai

#USsharing

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